Sorry haven’t been on for a while.

Just never seem to find the time. Well lately i am completely over Perth, i don’t hate it i just don’t like the people in it ( cough my in laws)I am becoming more and more anti social with them. Seriously just really want them to leave me alone. Don’t get me started on my mother in law, she is evil i don’t even want to repeat what she has said to me because it gets me so damn angry. 

Today i dropped dad off at the airport, he stayed with us for 5 days and i miss him. He has made me realise how sad i am here and how much i miss being in Victoria.. I am so homesick. Dad has told me that if we can save some money he can help us move back because he wants us back and me and Andre are miserable here. So come payday i am cutting back on everything so i can save save save. It will be hard work and with baby number 3 on the way but we can do ! i want to get out of this hell.

mother in law

When my boys get married i swear to go i will not become the mother in law from hell i promise you this.

Yesterday was a good day apart from the morning. We are all off to the park but first of all i have to meet my SIL at her house. MIL did not even give me a chance to walk thru the door before bombarding me with statements 1. Its your fault your just trapping my son 2. You planned this. I know she means them in a joking why but seriously let me walk to the fucking kitchen. I did even make it to the kitchen before she started her lecture how i have to keep trim, how i can’t be fat like i did with Harry. I was so fucking upset according to her my pregnancy has to be like hers perfect in other words. She gave me a lecture on how she walked 2 hours a day because she didn’t have a car good on you and how horrible being fat is. I will get fat just to despite her, i don’t give a shit anymore i don’t live up to her perfect expections. Also got told i have to go out with them its not good to stay at home. Sometime i just wanted to fucking stay at home i told her that too but without the F word.

Another thing she is like i am just worried seeing the way you live. THE WAY I LIVE? like i fucking live in filth. I said to her what do you mean she is like its just like its taken you a long time for you to get furniture and most of it doesn’t match ( well thanks to you i had to sell all my fucking furniture so i could move here) I told her that doesn’t matter. I know it took her years to get her house the way she wanted and yet she expect it all to be done within the year. I love my house yeah it needs some rugs and lamps but i have the essentials.

Everything about this woman shit me i love her and hate her all at the same time.  I am dreading seeing her next Tuesday. Whose stupid idea was it to move to Perth. It was mine. Another dumb ass idea >_<

I can’t help it i prefer to be Anti social

I feel like the in laws are pissed off at me because i say no to going places or i say i have no fuel to go wherever there going ( which is damn true) like every time they invited me to go somewhere it is always just before payday where i am broke as fuck. My sister in law is you don’t have to make excuses, i tell her i am not it is the truth. I don’t know how many times i have to repeat myself that the 2 week (Andre gets paid fortnightly) is not a good week for anything and to be honest half the time i do not want to go. 

Like i am not social as them, i don’t want to go and do shit every single day unless it is with Andre. Sometimes i just want to do my own stuff, yeah i get bored at home but i am relaxed and i am glad because Andre is just like me, this is why we are good together. I know the in laws think weird of us like its not what they expected when we moved down, i know what they expected. Too live out of each others pockets do things every weekend going on picnic and such, but that my dears is not going to happen. Its not that i don’t enjoy their company most of the time i do but i am not like them. 

Tomorrow we were meant to go to the bridges ( next to my house) its quite a nice little park with lakes, sister in law told me we are now going to whiteman park which is a bit of a distance for me with an empty fuel gauge. I said i would go because i do need to get the boys out and it would seem rude if i backed out again. Andre is like why if you don’t want to go don’t go just tell them. I mean it is ok for you you are at work i have to see them everyday at school and things would be awkward if things got weird between us. He keeps saying you have to say no stef i say i do but his like more often just be honest and eventually they will get the hint. Trust me they don’t when i say no they get cranky. 

Another thing that shits me is they do things EARLY !! like on sunday SIL facebooked me asking if Andre got the MSG from mum i said no he doesn’t check his phone much she like oh its because mum tried to call him at 8am to say we are going to the beach if we wanted to come they were at the beach at 9am. Me and Andre are not morning people in fact we despise the morning like big old sloths. 

 

Sorry

I haven’t been on for a few day i just don’t know what to write anymore, i have never been good with words or writing. 

So after the shock of realising i am having baby number 3, i am slowly with dealing with reality about my future Like don’t get me wrong i am so excited about bean, but how the hell will i cope? It will be a bit easier because the boys will be at school but still how the hell will i do it. I have no idea i will cope finically. Like lately the bills are coming in, and we have payment plans with those so we pay electricity then but the time that is done the other electricity bill comes in, so forever catching up. 

I have school supplies to still buy but most of it is all done and when that is done that is when we can buy baby things slowly i am just freaking out. Dad says not to worry if his parents can manage 5 kids with a low income budget than so can we, which i suppose it true, it can be done.

Must stop freaking out….. 

Anyways not much news is with me 2 weeks i have another u/sound. Andre is coming and hoping mum can mind the kids for a couple of hours. This time i am hoping i will see bean. Everyone keeps telling me they are hoping for a girl, me too to be honest but i am happy either way. I have always wanted a girl and this time i have a feeling i will have one because this pregnancy is so different from my other too. With the boys i had morning sickness probably twice and craving sweet things 24/7. I drank 4 litres of Orange juice a day, but with this pregnancy nothing only cramps i don’t even feel pregnant haha. But if i do get another little baby boy that would help me a lot but either way i am just happy.

I have made myself to learn patience. I want to try to be the best mum i can be.

Don’t know if i am getting paranoid

So yesterday was my ultrasound one of the worst days of my life, There is no bean, it could be possible that dates got wrong and it is way too early to tell but they could see no sign of a baby. I am hoping that bean is just hiding because even if i don’t really feel pregnant lately i know i am. I have done 4 home pregnancy test that are all positive. Today i am going to see my doctor for my blood test results. If my hcg level are 2000 or over i am pregnant if they are below then there is something wrong and i have to have more test. The ultrasound person said there is a sign of a pregnancy as one ovary is much more swollen that the other which means that is where the egg has been planted, also means with my mothers ovarian cancer that ovary could mean something completely different only time will tell i am just trying to think positive.

The good thing with this though, Andre said you know if worst comes to worst bean has made him think a lot of babies and he would like to try again and again which is nice because he was just happy with 2, his really surprised me. We still haven’t told MIL because now Andre wants to wait till everything is confirmed and there is a baby.

Andre’s sister i feel is kind of pressuring me to tell mum, i kind of wish i never told her. I feel that everything is a drama with her example : “you can’t hide from mum forever she is going to come over, you need to tell her because she is going to know, stop avoiding her if you don’t come she know you are avoiding her” For fuck sakes will you leave me alone.

And now she is dying for a baby to be honest i am not to say she can’t have one but i feel i have one thing that she doesn’t have and she wants to take it away ( i know i sound like a complete bitch) but everything between us fills like a competitive. Her husband is dead set against having a 3rd child. I just now feel bad. Andre is like why it is not your problem… which it is true there is nothing i can to that i or she can say to change her mind.

Today.

Is my first ultrasound to see my Bean. I am so nervous because i am paranoid that there is nothing there, or there is no heartbeat. I did a blood test yesterday and she said that i look pregnant so that is something i suppose i am just so worried, so i am going to ring to see if my result are in then i can keep calm till i get my ultrasound.

Last night Andre brought me flowers, his finally excited i haven’t seen him like that for a while, He told me he can’t wait to pick baby names. I like this Andre

Yesterday i told my dad that i was pregnant lets just say he was not happy at all, after his shock he rang to apologise he was just worried about me but his now very very excited he can’t wait he also reminded me that i was an accident, always good to know lol.

Tonight we are telling mum that is the scary part. I know she won’t be hateful about it maybe disappointed and worried but after that shock she will most probably cry from happiness. Oh i am so nervous about everything.

I will be so happy when its confirmed i know the home pregnancy test said positive but still that not enough confirmation for me. My doctor thinks i am 2 months pregnant i don’t really feel pregnant, i don’t have morning sickness i have never had to with both my sons. I just have cramping but that is all nothing.

This time i am hoping for a girl that is one of my dreams since this is the last time ( i swear to god) that i am having a newborn, but i have a feeling it will be another boy, either way i will be happy but still as long as bean is healthy thats all that matters. Now i am off to drink 1 litre of water before this ultrasound yay.

Well that was a surprise !

Today i found out that i am indeed pregnant with my 3rd child!!! I kind of had a feeling i have been joking with Andre since last week that my boobs have gotten bigger and i am such a hormonal cow lately. So i did a test and there you go I’m pregnant ! It still hasn’t kicked in yet but as the night progresses i am freaking excited !

Andre is kind of stressing just due to money which of course i am worrying too but what can you do we just got to cut down lots and save, hopefully he will get a better job or a pay rise. I am actually really really happy now. I have always wanted a 3rd but not now just because both boys will be back to school soon, at least i do get some freedom for 9 months. My thoughts are everywhere can i really do a 3rd baby I’m stressed enough as it is but after seeing those 2 lines and going on all baby forums i can do this!

I still can’t believe it what a fabulous way to start 2014 ! and today before i found out i rang the gym did my food diary so i can get back in to shape now i will do what i can ! I am hoping Andre feels the same way soon. I asked “are you upset?” his like no you have mentioned in the past you wanted another baby jokingly so this is what you wanted i am just worried but he is happy that i am happy (with a sad face) I will only truly be happy when he is genuinely happy. I know its a lot to take in but hopefully he will warm up to it. Hopefully tomorrow he will be in a better mood. It takes does take two…

I really do know what the folks will say, Dad will be shocked sort of kicking me into reality about the cost but he will be happy. Mum in Law well i don’t know. She will be happy i think but i can hear her french voice in m head ” why i should smack you” or maybe she will scream or cry happy tears who knows fingers and toes crossed. My sister in law is over the freaking moon she is so happy. I asked do you think mum will mind she’s like its not for her to mind.

New Years Eve

Feeling rather positive lately about my weight. I am trying my hardest not to think about it and find clothes that fit who cares that i am not a size 6 anymore if i look nice then so be it. I saw a few of my friends on instagram post photos of their bodies and there not small but they still rock it. If they can do it surely i can too ( not that i am going to post that) 

I know i will never be the size i was before kids, i have tried diets, i have had lipo and i still keep getting curves so i just have to deal with it, just going to work with what I’ve got. I am even letting my hair hang naturally curly and i kind of like it.

Today is NYE and it is me and Andres 8th or 9th Anniversary i can’t remember exactly. I am actually excited for NYE dinner. We got our groceries delivered this morning, me and Andre are working in a team cleaning and cooking, so it is nice. I am actually enjoying today.

Black hole

That’s where i feel like i am going, it has gotten to the point i don’t even want to save myself anymore. Let me just be depressed till the end of my days. I have so many people around me yet i feel like the loneliest fucker on the planet. I want to punch every happy person in the face. I should be happy i have 2 brilliant kids, a wonderful partner, a family but i am so down. I have no idea what i want to do in life i feel like i am just drifting away from everyone, If my Sister in law tells me how fabulous her day was or how perfect her life is i really don’t want to know i don’t care anymore and i don’t want to here it. 

My mother in law said to me the other day why be so down “money doesn’t buy you happiness” Bullshit it does for me say that to someone who is constantly broke and struggling so bad( while everyone around her gloats how fucking fabulous they are)for the past 9 years and they will tell you want a load of fucking bullshit that quote is.

I have discovered i am losing a lot of hair.. thats fabulous just what i need on my already thinning hair, ill probably be bold by the end of next year.  Tomorrow is the NYE dinner. I CANNOT BE FUCKED. 

fml

Just want to smoke my guts out. Today the washing machine has broken down me and my poor ass cannot afford another great time too because i have to wash all the sheets etc before the in laws stay. This is such a sucky holiday.

I really miss my home town, i feel out of whack because i really don’t know where i belong or what to call home. No matter how many times i have moved i have never been comfortable. I am trying not to feel down and bitter today but when things like the damn washing machine break i think about all the shitty ass things that are happening in my life. One day i will feel positive about something.